Judgment(s) and Rapture > Dig Compassion for Self

Portland, Oregon, 13 October 2011

In a Pickle...

I have been in this healing process for so long. And I have dedicated myself to it, and to, as I 'promised' to myself, remaining conscious in those intense shifting times. Intense change always brings growing pains, so a lots of the healing process has been painful as I, planet, you, we all have been releasing our pain body (meaning growing, evolving, transforming). I am also of amazing stamina and endurance. And as I started to read into energies of this fall, I was kind of looking forward to it, for I was finally seeing the light at the end of the very long tunnel I have been in. I felt euphoric and did some amazing work clearing the fields above the seventh), felt as I am getting to place of finally sitting not only in my personal power, but being sort of ready to step into something new finally (fifth-dimensional consciousness/self-actualizing/free).

Heh! Almost the next day I spiraled into the lower levels of hell. I grew so mad and could not quite figure what and why it was happening. I was arguing with God over the process. I told him off and used language I normally do not use. I cried for several days, but there was a moment where I knew God was with me, and I could hear, "I am sorry." I still do not feel that I am in a place of total forgiveness where I can turn around and say, "apology accepted, lets move on." No, I still feel hard in my heart and I know it is because I have to forgive myself and I have to accept that journey I chose was that of suffering and that even though today I know that God does not require self-sacrifice, I had to do it to know that is not required; but now I have to overcome my own judgments of myself over all of my choices I have made in this life and all previous lives. Together with the choice I made just at the end of the September where I told myself, "lets get into this gap/rapture business and be done with it." So I called it forth, and then in the middle of it, I wanted to pull back.

And as I know now that self-sacrifice is ultimate self-denial and the path of the largest resistance to self (read the most painful path), if you want to reconnect with the Source. I have been beating myself, not for not getting that lesson, but for going through it; and how would I get it if I did not go thorough it, duh? We humans are so weird and beautiful at the same time. So magic word or theme here is that one of self-acceptance (opposite to self-resistance) coupled with acceptance of one's own path (which is totally separate lesson). Got previous one long time ago.

However, in hindsight all makes sense and I would not change my life for any easier one. Yet, I am still in the process of self-flagellation. But the worse is over, and I a back to my mantra, "it is just part of the process, it will be over." So that growing pain passes, new lesson is learned, tons of emotional ballast released... And new energy is moving in. More of self restored.

But again, I am still in the middle of the process and I am not yet on the sunny shore as I have hard time forgiving myself. So if anyone out there is reading this, I am writing it for you, to share, so you know it is OK, no matter which way you are choosing, when God is concerned. We are our worst judges and with that in our hearts it is hard to make reconnect. This place is extremely hard, but if you are at this place right now, having abnormal levels of anxiety, difficulty breathing, heavy in your chest it is all coming up for release. And this is the worse of all that has been stored on the planet: terrifying rage, hatred for self, God, tons of judgments. Now, it seems to me that heavy emotions will be expressed, but judgments are so hard. Because so many of them may be reminiscence of many previous lifetimes of which we may hardly be conscious. So I suggest for that part to release all judgments you have ever placed on yourself in your entire universal life ask Universe to help you with it. Ask for judgments to be lifted and compassion to replace the energy void of released judgments.

Rapture
Now, I am seeing the picture. We have had to step into place of reclaimed personal power before we take a plunge into the gap. Into the rapture. The rupture is literally that - a split inside of our body's in the line of heart. It is horizontal and we have to 'jump start' that gap so that we reconnect two sides (and chakras) of our body. Lower and upper. It has been created by extreme opposition of feminine self to masculine self. It is energetic opposition, polarization that literally creates first a force field that is so powerful that nothing can go through it (hate) and then it creates gap/rapture/split inside of ourselves (all applies to our planet's electromagnetic field as well). This is major split and there are minor splits...
There was prerequisite for this and it took long and grueling journey where all we have known become meaningless after all the struggle. But it is all so necessary. Our arduous journey has forced us into releasing the primal survival fear out of our bodies which has had amazing grip on directing our lives. Now intensity of it so lessened and we can release this other heavy stuff. And hopefully survive. Trust me, I have gone through some intense releases, but this time I wrote My Will. Even though I am so dedicated to the life and process or process of living and healing. Even though, I saw some amazing visions of the future, and sort of have hunch I will get through it, at the same time I am also ready to leave if I cannot figure out the exit. But I have said in the past to some of my friends, "Suicide has saved my life several times. At very difficult times I got through it because I knew that was an ultimate option that I always had at my disposal." That is how I got alive out of my besieged hometown during the Bosnian war. I thought, "this is it, I cannot take it anymore. I kill myself or I leave this ghetto." Next day, I set out to cross through enemy territories into Croatia, got jailed, was placed to sleep with enemy solders in the same rooms (their dorm rooms and in the same jail cell, went on a hunger strike when put into forced work, and various other close shaves -- all unscathed -- and I believe only two things helped me: I was fearless, but well aware, I trusted that I will find a way to speak to any human heart (which is typical of fool); as well as I believed someone watched over my crossing most likely my deceased dad. I was twenty-six old female and alone.

Having said this about suicide, I want to say that I have suffered severe depression from my teen years until I was thirty-four when I embarked on proactive and conscious healing path in order to deal with my life traumas. From this perspective having been on both sides I do want to say that there is difference in depression and suicide I have experience before and now. If I can sum it in simple terms:
Before it was self-destructive and the inner voice was telling me that I was worthless and could never get any better, no way out etc. If you experience this, this voice is NOT your voice, it is more like we are transmediums. So depression comes from transmediumship, meaning we channel energy that is not ours through our system and as we are so little aware we take it on as our on. Psychic trademark is seventh chakra is wide open to all the crap of the world to enter it (funnily I have seen it manifest boldness with men).
This time is kind of opposite, though lots of pain feels like depression I know it is not depression, but frustration and I know it is my own resistance to self, and in some way comes from place of self-preservation. Weirdly enough.
But bottom line is, sort of like disclaimer, I do not endorse suicide.

I have had so many visions and exchanges of energy in last couple of weeks that is hard to even keep track and remember all of it, but what I feel is important to share is, it is just part of the process and lots of darkness is lifting from our hearts. This is not easy and I believe cannot be fluffy process. However stick with it, it will lessen in intensity (if you have been doing homework and if you are in alignment with the Earth releasing from her pain body and her heart): there is the end of the tunnel. Almost there.

In my arguments with God where I told him, I hated him for hating me, I was taught greatest lesson by my gambling addict friend, "You have too much faith," he said to me. I was like, "wow, so true, you are my teacher today." I have placed so much faith, belief and trust in God. I realized the lesson of the recovering the heart and recovering from all of the hurts from the time of inception to today was to reset my faith to myself, my trust in myself, and my belief in myself. Because that is how we humans got disconnected from the God in the first place. We got hit into our esteem and never recovered from it. Third chakra is what we have had to totally recover. So while I recovered a lot of my personal power I was still in distrust of myself, not having faith and not believing that I can manifest what I need for myself, and I fell. So as I have said so many times in my previous posts: reset your reclaimed power to being senior in your own being, being commanding in your own being, being certain of your own being. But now in the fourth chakra reset to trust yourself to do anything you want, believe in yourself, have faith in yourself.